December 27, 2012

Skyfail AKA CyberSkyfall

It's the end of 2012 and another Bond movie is still cyberstalking unwary theater-goers...

Top three funniest moments I've been witness to in person this year was going to the Skyfall showing with the BSides Delaware conference, after a Bond-themed tailgate party organized by @DeviantOllam, complete with Vesper Martinis! 

Imagine about thirty BSides attendees watching a Bond movie and trying to behave themselves.  That's bad enough, if it was Thunderball or Dr. No. or even A View To a Kill or Quantum of Solace. Those bad guys had their own silly plots but they were all, um, cyber-less, or at least a lot less cyber...

Not Skyfall, oh no.  Skyfall revolved around a Stuxnet-like theme of cyber terrorism/war/etc. that COULD have been well-executed, but just wasn't.  Anyone in the BSides conference could have earned a quarter million dollars as an expert consultant to the script-writers and made it better than it was.  Since the script-writers and producers deemed it absolutely un-lame to just write a bunch of cyber-sounding nonsense, hilarity ensued in that dark theater in Wilmington.  It was hard to keep a straight face and stay quiet.  It turned into a hacker version of an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I happened to be sitting next to @SpaceRog, who knows a thing or two about hacking and defense.  Let's just say that as the show went into cyberdouchery territory, then further into FUDtaculariousness, I kept feeling twitches and hearing winces from my immediate right.  If it was possible to kill a person with "cyber," the Skyfall producers might have found it, and it involved zero pacemaker-hacking, just really, really terrible writing. 

The preview is available on the tubez here Check it out and imagine, if you haven't seen it already, the head of MI6 AKA M dealing with a very bad situation, revolving around theft of classified information as well as cyber-terrorism in the way of blowing things up and causing things to crash.  SCARY STUFF!!!  She's getting a lot of heat from her political masters and is pretty frustrated with her imploding career.  Cyber-badness caused this.  Mistakes were made, solutions to be found, and right quick...

As a tribute to the lazy ridiculosity that is the Skyfall cyberscript, I bring you a Twitter hashtag I've been working on for a few days.  Won't you be my cyber-neighbor and participate?


#Skyfail  (Originally #CyberSkyfall and #SkyfallCyberLines)

-"Don't mind me, I'm just inducing acute cirrhosis over here..." M, we'd really rather u didn't drink all da Jager b4 noon

-"So he's in AND out AND in, is that right?" Yes, M, I'm afraid so. "Gimme your weapon, I'm going to shoot him myself."

-"If he's already in AND out, what are we doing 2 make sure he doesn't come back?" M, he's still here, never really left.

-"Why can't we stop him from getting in?" M he's already IN. "Can we stop him from getting out?" He's out already. "WHAT?"

-"What's the SIEM telling us? We spent a bloody fortune on it, after all." M, the db types don't get along w GUI types...

-If only we'd listened to that guy from Gartner when he came 2do the benchmarking assessment. That Spider chart was cool

-Quick, Nigel, get me the hyperZ Purple Pill escape preventer, I think he's bypassed our Deep Header Locator!

-Maybe if we use the cross-over cable on the PwnPlug we can reroute the application-aware honeypot 2 active-defence mode!

-"How're we doing on the isolation phase of the incident?" M, the manual says we're still in the OMG WTF BBQ phase. "I C."

-"Why didn't we find this vulnerability before we got hacked?" M, we discarded all CVSS scores below 8.73... "I see"

-Hack ScarJo's email, you get 10 years prison. Hack MI6 & u get 2 molest 007. What's wrong with this pic?

-"Don't be such a wuss, it's just a .BAT file..." By @CaseyJohnEllis

-When this is all over and we're done with the SCADA/HVAC remediation, I'm going to EuroDisney...

-How come Dr. Evil gets a power swivel-chair and I don't, hmm? Can u tell me that? "Maam, we had 2 airgap the control..."

-Um, change request form for removing USB port control... Signed by one "Tupac H@x0r." In crayon. Really, guys? 

-Yes, I know South Carolina got a $700k bill from Mandiant, but they're the only ones we have who work weekends!

-We finally gave up on figuring this out by ourselves n called Mandiant. No, they're not technically cleared for this...

-Like Sting said in his song: "When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around!" AMIRITE?

-It's M, she's gone over the edge. Finally discovered the depth of our incompetence. She really can't handle the truth

-More coming in Skyfail Part Deux.